Lego Jesus

Preface: After reading Godot for the second time in my life last year, I found myself reveling in a deep depression from a feeling of being trapped. I was stuck in this state for a few days and pulled myself out of it by writing this play. I presented it to my creative writing class last year, so sorry you might see this again Alex and Chase...

Lego Jesus

            by Kilian Giannini

Cast:

Rectangular Lego Structure

Damien

Julian

Audience Member

3 Drunken girls

Setting:

Nothing on stage except for a tall rectangular cube made out of large Lego blocks. The Audience Member sits in the middle of the crowd.

ACT I

The lights come up on an empty stage, other than the tall rectangular cube of Legos. Enter DAMIEN and JULIAN from opposite sides of the stage. Both men speak in British accents.

DAMIEN:  My love! How I’ve missed you! Oh the aching nights spent alone, suffering at the thought that you had forgotten me! But now I see you have returned! You still love me, don’t you? My Eduardo, my lovely, beautiful Eduardo. How I’ve longed to kiss your lips again!

DAMIEN walks to the center of the stage where the stack of Legos stands, wraps his arms around it, and begins to passionately kiss it.

JULIAN:  Oh, my dear sweet Francois! You’ve come back for me haven’t you? I knew you always would! What we had was something…special! Yes! That is the word! I’ve wanted you since the minute you left me! I haven’t stopped thinking about you since! My God! I cannot believe it! It’s really you! I’d recognize you a mile away in a crowd of millions! Come here and kiss me already you fool!

JULIAN runs to the center of the stage, wraps his arms around the Legos, and begins to passionately kiss the structure as well. The two do not notice each other until JULIAN begins to unzip his pants.

DAMIEN:  Hey! Who the Hell are you?

JULIAN:  My name’s Julian, and who are you? And why are your arms wrapped around my Francois? Get off him! He doesn’t love you, he loves me! Me me me me me! He is mine!

JULIAN’s pants fall to the ground.

DAMIEN:  Francois? Who is this Francois? This here is Eduardo and he is mine! Get your stinking hands off him you…vile dog!

JULIAN: [elevated tone] Vile dog? Who are you calling a vile dog, you quack-loving, donkey molester!

DAMIEN:  Donkey molester? That’s it, get off my Eduardo!

JULIAN:  He is my Francois! Leave me alone!

The two begin to slap each other like sassy teenage girls, with their arms fully extending, hands flapping back and forth furiously, without any contact being made.

DAMIEN:  WAIT! What are we doing? Obviously there must be some sort of a mix-up here!

The two stop fighting, JULIAN’s pants remain on the ground.

JULIAN:  Well I think the mix-up is quite obvious! You are sadly mistaken, my friend. This here fine piece of ass is my Eduardo! I spotted him from a mile away!

DAMIEN:  Your Eduardo? He is my Francois!

JULIAN:  Fool, open your eyes and see, this man is in love with me!

DAMIEN:  Well, I think otherwise, surely he is not in love with two guys! My dear Eduardo, tell us who you desire!

The two now stand dumbstruck as they look up to the top of the Lego structure. Their arms are flat by their sides, jaws wide open. They continue to wait for a response, but there is silence. AUDIENCE MEMBER, who has a small microphone attached to him, coughs loudly.

JULIAN:  Maybe he cannot decide…What if he’s forgotten you? Oh, my poor Eduardo.

DAMIEN:  Quit saying you’re Eduardo, it is quite uncommon to speak in the third person.

JULIAN:  What did you call me? The only third person here is YOU! In fact, I would go as far as to call you a wheel!

DAMIEN:  [gasps] You take that back! Calling me an eel, who do you think you are?

JULIAN:  I am Francois!

DAMIEN: You’re Francois? You’re the man I’ve been in love with?

JULIAN:  In love with you? I do not even know you, nor have I ever seen you in my life! This is the man I’m in love with, and he loves me!

JULIAN begins to caress the Legos with his hands as he runs his bare thigh up and down the structure, softly kissing it.

DAMIEN:  Get your hands off him!

JULIAN:  My what?

DAMIEN:  You’re hands!

JULIAN:  I am not hands! I am a man!

DAMIEN:  Hardly…

JULIAN:  More of a man than you’ll ever be! That’s why Eduardo loves me!

DAMIEN:  Quit calling Francois Eduardo! He is my Eduardo!

DAMIEN begins to perform the same acts as JULIAN. JULIAN notices and he begins to increase his sexual performance. DAMIEN tries harder in retaliation and undoes his pants and also removes his shirt. The two begin humping the structure ferociously until it almost falls over to the front. As it begins to tip the two spring to catch it and stand it up right.

JULIAN:  You almost broke him!

DAMIEN:  I love you!

JULIAN:  I hardly know you!

DAMIEN: Kiss me you damn fool!

JULIAN:  There is nothing to lose…

The two men kiss. AUDIENCE MEMBER coughs again, this time more obviously.

DAMIEN:  Get off me! You pig! Taking advantage of an emotional man like that! I’m not even a homosexual!

JULIAN:  Are you implying that I am?

DAMIEN:  You kissed me!

JULIAN: You convinced me it was a good idea! And now I’ve gone and cheated on Eduardo!

DAMIEN:  Francois!

JULIAN:  What?

DAMIEN:  Not you, Eduardo!

JULIAN: [sincerely] Damien…

DAMIEN:  Yes, Julian?

At this point the British accents cease and the two now speak in an American colloquial.

JULIAN:  Don’t you think it’s time we stop pretending?

DAMIEN:  I suppose so. But what are we supposed to do with this man here? [He points to the Lego structure.]

JULIAN:  Which man? Him? Well, he’s Jesus he can figure something out.

DAMNIEN:  My God! It is Jesus! How did we not recognize him?

JULIAN:  Well I knew it was him the whole time, and I thought you did as well. I just went along with it because I hear Jesus loves a good show.

DAMIEN:  And do they? [He turns and looks directly at the audience.]

JULIAN:  I don’t think so…why would they come to this?

AUDIENCE MEMBER coughs even louder and can be heard shifting around in his chair.

DAMIEN:  But really, what are we supposed to do with him?

JULIAN:  You mean Jesus? I already told you, he can figure something out.

DAMNIEN:  I read in some book once…I can’t remember the name of it, but I read, or someone told me, or maybe I overheard it, but when he comes back the world is supposed to end!

JULIAN:  It already did, do you not remember?

DAMIEN:  Oh yeah, that’s right…last week at the park with-

[Together]:  Elton John!

JULIAN:  But what if this isn’t Jesus?

DAMIEN:  How could it not be? It looks just like him.

JULIAN:  I know that, but looks can be deceiving.

DAMIEN:  Wait…haven’t we seen this before, or at least read it somewhere? It all seems too familiar. Unoriginal.

JULIAN:  Who cares about originality, we have Jesus H. Christ standing right here in front of us and we are doing absolutely nothing!

DAMIEN:  My God! Think about what we were just doing!

JULIAN:  I can’t remember…

DAMIEN:  Your pants! Pick them up for Christ’s sake! Literally!

JULIAN:  Like it matters…he’s very non-judgmental from what I hear.

DAMIEN:  But think of the name of the day!

JULIAN:  Tuesday?

DAMIEN:  No! Of this day!

JULIAN:  Saturday…? Damn the French for this nonsense!

DAMIEN:  He was Irish.

JULIAN:  Regardless, what do we do if this really is Jesus? Should we dance for him? Or maybe sing? Do you think he likes tapas?

DAMIEN:  What if it’s Muhammad? 

JULIAN:  They wouldn’t have allowed this to go on.

DAMIEN:  But I just said his name aloud…

JULIAN:  You know what I meant.

DAMIEN:  True. Maybe it’s Buddha, what if it’s Buddha?

JULIAN:  Or Joseph Smith!

DAMIEN:  Or Joseph Biden!

JULIAN:  Or Joe that ah…janitor guy from high school. You remember him?

DAMIEN:  Hardly…

JULIAN:  Well I suppose it’s not important now. Especially since Jesus has come back.

DAMIEN drops to his knees.

DAMIEN:  Praise the Lord! Forgive us for what we have done!

JULIAN:  Get up you idiot! [He smacks DAMIEN on the head.] You think He’ll forgive you after all of the other things you’ve done in that position?

DAMIEN: [somberly] This is true.

JULIAN:  Anyway, pull out that handbook about what to do when you find Jesus.

DAMIEN pulls out from his pocket a Wanted sign stapled to a K-Mart advertisement wrapped in a shoestring. He reads aloud:

DAMIEN:  What to do if Jesus comes, by H.G. Wells. Page one: clean it up.

JULIAN:  Oh God, that’s just gross. Give me that! [He rips the papers in half, turns his portion upside down and reads aloud] Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal….Do you believe any of this shit Julian?

DAMIEN:  No, it’s nonsense, all of this is nonsense. But forget about that. What do we do with Jesus?

JULIAN:  I suppose we could-

AUDIENCE MEMBER leaps up out of his seat and protest in outrage.

AUDIENCE MEMBER:  Hey assholes!

DAMIEN:  Who said that?

JULIAN:  Wasn’t me, I’d never say assholes, it’s unconventional.

AUDIENCE MEMBER:  I did damnit! [He begins jumping up and down waving his arms.]

The British accents pick up again.

DAMIEN:  We can’t see you sir! Hello? Who is out there?

JULIAN: Ssshhh! Don’t talk to them! We’re not supposed to know they’re there.

DAMIEN:  There, there, don’t worry, their minds weren’t made for the stage.

AUDIENCE MEMBER:  I’m coming up there damnit!

AUDIENCE MEMBER leaves his seat and begins walking down the aisle to the stage. He struggles to get on to it, but pulls himself up, rolls over, and stands up.

JULIAN:  Hey! You’re not allowed up here! This has never happened before!

DAMIEN:  Relax, I’m sure it’s happened somewhere, or at least been written, or hopefully tried.

AUDIENCE MEMBER stomps over to the two men and stands directly in front of the Lego structure with his back facing the audience.

AUDIENCE MEMBER:  I’ve had enough of this shit! I’ve been sitting out there the whole time, waiting for this shit to make sense. It doesn’t make any sense! That’s a big block of Legos for Christ’s sake. It’s not Jesus. This is blasphemous! I haven’t been to confession in thirty-two years, nine months, and sixteen days, but I think that is the first place I’m going after this to let them know how filthy I feel for watching it. How dare you, where is the writer?

JULIAN:  Surely, you don’t believe the writer is here, or in the crowd, with you?

AUDIENCE MEMBER:  Why shouldn’t he be?

DAMIEN:  No good writer goes to see his own play.

AUDIENCE MEMBER:  Well that’s a little pompous…

JULIAN: Isn’t all of this?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: [In a British accent] I suppose so…[regular voice] No damnit no! You’re not sucking me into this bullshit. I’m done.

AUDIENCE MEMBER kicks over the stack of Legos and red wine spills out from the structure.

DAMIEN: My God! It really is Jesus! Look, his blood is wine! A miracle, a miracle, don’t you see! It’s wine, Francois, Eduardo, Julian! Let’s all drink up!

DAMIEN and JULIAN bend down and begin licking the wine off of the floor.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh for Christ’s sake this is bullshit! What is going on here?

AUDIENCE MEMBER walks over to the pile of Legos and lifts from beneath them a box of Franzia wine.

AUDIENCE MEMBER:  I guess your Christ is pretty classy…

JULIAN:  I’m not Christ, are you Christ, Damien? You’re Christ and you didn’t tell me?

DAMIEN:  No, Julian, that’s not what he means…

AUDIENCE MEMBER:  How the Hell did a box of this cheap ass Franzia get out here? Did you write this in? [He looks questioning someone offstage.] No? You didn’t? How about you? No? What the fuck?

The clicking of high heels can be heard coming from offstage. Girls giggling can also be heard. Enter 3 DRUNKEN GIRLS, all have British accents.

3 DRUNKEN GIRLS:  Heyyyyyy…..have any of you kind fellows seen our – WINE!  

The 3 DRUNKEN GIRLS run over to JULIAN and DAMIEN, bend down and start drinking furiously with them.

JULIAN:  Girls, girls, girls!

DAMIEN:  Is this really a time for Motley Crue?

JULIAN:  Is it ever a time for Motley Crue? Regardless…girls! You’re drinking the blood of Christ! Are you pure?

 3 DRUNKEN GIRLS:  [Seductively] We all showered together this morning…

DAMIEN:  [shrugs] Well, that’s good enough for me!

DAMIEN and JULIAN and 3 DRUNKEN GIRLS all return to feverishly drinking the wine. They scoop some into their hands, sometimes they lick the floor. The scene looks like five mad people in poverty have just struck gold.

AUDIENCE MEMBER:  I CAN”T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!

AUDIENCE MEMBER begins screaming and pulls out a gun.

JULIAN:  Hey! Who let him have a gun in here?

The lights go out and the stage is dark. Six shots are heard being fired and the sound of bodies hitting the floor is heard six times. The curtains fall.

END